Bean (angelinthenite) wrote in bible_rewritten,

Genesis 2:1 - World = Fin!

Genesis 2:2 - So, instead of revising his work, God simply sat His fat ass down in the recliner for the final time, and chanted "I am the man" which later became "I am the walrus", another quote to be later used in the cinema. So even though God isn't technically mortal, He decided to rest, though He could not have felt tired in the sense that you and I can, seeing as He's not even a person. More of a Being. [Do Beings rest?]

Genesis 2:3 - He lays the foundation of a week, and decides since He got to rest His lazy ass, everyone else should also get to rest one day a week. FOREVER.

Genesis 2:4 - This is the day He was done. Right? [Redundance.]

Genesis 2:5 - The plantlife is out of control. [Little Shop, Little Shop of Horrors, Bop Shoo Wop, Little Shop of Terrors.] Basically, nobody is tending the fields. [Where is the poor little man?!] That's what God gets for only making two people in the first Chapter. What a fucking genius!

Genesis 2:6 - Clouds form. Rains down. Hurrah.

Genesis 2:7 - Hmm. wtf? Didn't He do this the last Chapter? Is this like, a summary of before? What's going on? I don't know. But apparently He's giving man a living soul, after bringing him up from dust with His nose... This goes to show that He has more talent in His nose than you have in your whole body.

Genesis 2:8 - God threw the awkward little man He made into a strange place, without clothes, called Eden or something. Eastward. Eastward from where? We don't know... What a bitch.

Genesis 2:9 - So He plants these two seeds, and tells them to grow. One's to satisfy hunger. One is brain food. Which do we get? The icky ones that taste like cardboard. You're right. This pretty much sucks.

Genesis 2:10 - A four-headed river sprouts out of nowhere.

Genesis 2:11 - One of these "heads" is called "Piss-on". In the land of Havillah. Havillah's got the bling. Gold bling.

Genesis 2:12 - And the bling beith deemed snazzy by the LORD. And the rocks there are cool and blingeth as well.

Genesis 2:13 - Another head is called "Gihon" [I wonder if they're brothers.] In the land of the malnutritioned.

Genesis 2:14 - Third head is "Hide y Keel" [That's hide and kill in Spanish don'tcha know?] It goes East of Ass-ria. The fourth head is "You Frates"

Genesis 2:15 - God treated the poor man like a mexican. Forced him to tend the land and conduct physical labor for no pay.

Genesis 2:16 - And God said "Eat the trees. Bitchez."

Genesis 2:17 - Eat from the delicious tree of the knowledge of good and evil which tastes significantly better than all the other trees, and I will keel you with my wand.

Genesis 2:18 - Let's play a dating game. Little man's alone and pathetic, let's get him a woman, kay?

Genesis 2:19 - Apparently the man's name is suddenly Adam and NOW is when He creates the birdies and fishies and the moocows, and tells Adam to name them because God obviously ran out of names. [Even though He hasn't named ANYTHING except Adam. Out of the blue. For no reason.]

Genesis 2:20 - Adam calls the moo's "cows" and the caw's "birdies" and the .. blubs? "fishies". But too bad there's no one for him. [He should have committed suicide here, but apparently he had willpower. Fucking loser. Can't even find a woman in the newly created Earth dealio, and there was NO OTHER MAN to steal her. Except for Steve of course. But he's a whole 'nother belief.]

Genesis 2:21 - God put Adam in a coma, stole one of the fucker's barbequed ribs, ate it, threw it up...

Genesis 2:22 - ...and blamo! VAGINA!

Genesis 2:23 - Adam calls it woman because it came out of man. Or rather. It came out of his regurgitated rib.

Genesis 2:24 - Then Adam decides out of nowhere, and unknowing of the fact that they have sexual parts and can reproduce, that when a man leaves his father and mother, if he comes across a woman, she is his new life. [SUCKERZ!]

Genesis 2:25 - *censored* Unashamed nudists.

Commonly Asked Questions

Do Genesis One and Two contradict each other?

A: No. God's just trying to piss you off and confuse you.

Q: Has the Garden of Eden ever been found?

A: While many places listed in Genesis 2 such as the Euphrates river and Ethiopia are in fact still in existance, a flood takes place during biblical times, covering much of the land. So basically, we can't know for sure because certain rivers are not around. Not to mention, wherever the Garden of Eden is speculated to be, it cannot be proved. Though it is guessed to have been located in Mesopotomia which is modern-day Iraq.

Q: Did Adam have a belly-button?

A: No. Bellybuttons weren't invented yet, l0zer. See similar arguments such as "the chicken or the egg".
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