hot_soup_sex (hot_soup_sex) wrote in bible_rewritten,

Genesis Chapter Three, Homez

Genesis 3:1 - And Satan said to woman, "Yo bitch. Want some apples?" And God, speaking to woman, countered "Suck it. You can't have it."

Genesis 3:2 - Woman said to Satan, who is presenting himself in serpent form, "Dude, I can eat whatever I want...

Genesis 3:3 - ...'Cept that fruit! ...or I die."

Genesis 3:4 - Quoth the serpent "Nu uh...

Genesis 3:5 - ..God just wants to be cooler than ya'll."

Genesis 3:6 - The woman sayith to snakey Satan, "Touche serpent!" She and Adam eat the fruit from the forbidden tree of knowledge. AND DOOM!

Genesis 3:7 - Suddenly they realize they're naked and the shame is ALL UPONS!! Thus Fig leaf lingerie...

Genesis 3:8 - Shit! God's coming! He cometh by horse! BY TRAIN! BY.. what the hell is that thing? Adam tilted his head then, in confusion and wonder.

Genesis 3:9 - And God spaketh unto them, "Where you be, bitchez? I've come to eat your faces!"

Genesis 3:10 - Adam says “Oh snap. I’m naked. Ahhhhhh- I’m in your closet.”

Genesis 3:11 - God spaked unto the naked “How do you know you’re naked? Did you do exactly what I freaking told you not to?”

Genesis 3:12 - "It was the bitch. Not me, LORD."

Genesis 3:13 - God said "Bitch, whatdja do?" and the woman said "Who me?" God said "Yes you." She said "Couldn't be!" God said "Then who?" [This is where Barney pops out and points at the serpent, giggles obnoxiously, and turns back into a stuffed animal.]

Genesis 3:14 - God said, "Look whatcha done now. Unto thy belly with you, foo. EAT MY DUST." And so the serpent did eatest thy dust...eth.

Genesis 3:15 - "Because of this hullabuloo, I'll make you hate each other and she'll hurt you, and you'll hurt her. Particularily on the head and heel."

Genesis 3:16 - "Kay bitch, you're a lowly piece of crap now. Have a glass of depression and some babies while you're at it. And since they'll drink from you, they'll be depressed too."

Genesis 3:17 - "Haha. Forever will you be an undersexed biscuit, Adam! That's what you get for listening to a woman."

Genesis 3:18 - Sucks for Adam. Now he gets to eat pokey things like weeds and bumblebees.

Genesis 3:19 - Dusty art.
[Oh, here's where God says Adam will die eventually. SUCKERZ.]

Genesis 3:20 - "I'mma call you Eve now" Adam says to woman, "you'll be my bitch and we'll multiply. kthnxbai, EVE."

Genesis 3:21 - God: Alright, quit bein' naked. Here's some clothes. From Old Navy. That were half off.

Genesis 3:22 - Eternal life? HA. Fuck off. Damned to a lifetime of knowing what sex is, but also knowing it's wrong without marriage and there are no priests yet, and having extreme difficulty in getting any anyway, because everyone knows women hate sex.

Genesis 3:23 - God: Here's a hoe. Get to work, Adam. [Oh, the innuendos.]

Genesis 3:24 - God: East boy. -insert flaming sword of DOOOM-

Commonly Asked Questions

Q: What the hell is a Cherub?

A: A cute little naked thing with wings.

Q: What does God sound like?

A: Ew. Like this.

Q: How does God walk through the Garden of Eden?

A: Legs... nonexistant legs... fucker.
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clay aiken.
It's beautiful, eh?
if you say so.

Deleted comment

Haha. Well, thanks for the correction! :)

This chapter was done quite some time ago, however, at that point, in terms of a description, we just grabbed the dictionary.

Which gave us this:

1. a celestial being. Gen. 3:24; Ezek. 1, 10.
2. Theology. a member of the second order of angels, often represented as a beautiful rosy-cheeked child with wings.
3. a beautiful or innocent person, esp. a child.
4. a person, esp. a child, with a sweet, chubby, innocent face.

I suppose it's quite possible that the cherub was thought of differently in other religious theologies. Most often seen in the Christian historical art, the cherub was portrayed as a cute little fat baby with chubby cheeks that everyone's grandmother would love to pinch and dress in their sunday best. Loveable little beefcakes, if you will.
Plus wings.
Though, I don't doubt that somewhere along the way, Christianity yoinked (yes, yoinked) the image of the putti. Afterall, angels were supposed to be welcoming. There's nothing welcoming about a creepy son of a bitch with an excess amount of eyes. but BABIES! Everybody during that period of time loved those! There's nothing disturbing about a naked infant with fluffy white wings and a bowl full of jelly for a stomach.
If that description doesn't make you all warm and fuzzy
you hate babies.

sicko. Who hates babies?
You. That's who.
Cherubs are not small, naked babies with wings. Those are the ones called Putti or Putto.

Cherubs or Cherubim look like humans with animal features (mostly lion, ox or eagle), with wings, (eight!), and apparently there are lots and lots of eyes on the wings. (which is creepy to me), and they are second highest rank in the hierarchy of angels, under the Seraphim.

But, still funny. ^_^


-other comments deleted due to me being a fucktard and messing up the code~


January 2 2007, 04:34:15 UTC 11 years ago

Cherub, I mean. I believe the plural is the same as the singular.

I accidently logged myself out 'cuz I suxxor.

And thank you for the many many comments. :)
Always appreciated.
Your problems with code just adds more comments.
Thus, we appear to look cooler than we actually are.