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A Comical Rewrite of the Bible

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[29 Aug 2006|09:16am]

God's back from his vacation in Louisanna!
Here's his email address so ya'll can start sending him emails again.

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[28 Aug 2006|01:04am]

Wanna have SiXXX with me?Collapse )
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[27 Aug 2006|11:49pm]

Genesis 5 + Q&ACollapse )
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Genesis 4 [28 May 2006|10:11pm]

Chapter Four, FOOLZCollapse )
Q&ACollapse )
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[14 May 2006|06:00pm]

Hey everybody.

Sorry about the lack of updates.
Chapter four is soon to come.
We're about halfway done, so hopefully, you all will be seeing it soon.
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Leviticus 18:22 -- What if . . . ? [07 May 2006|08:51pm]

So, we're all too cool to actually believe it's a sin to be a girl and kiss girls or be a boy and kiss boys, right?

Yeah, but unfortunately the Bible isn't as cool as us:

" 'Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.' " --- Leviticus 18:22

That's what it really says (in the Teen NIV version).

But what if it said something different? Like, instead, it could say . . .

" 'Do not be an icky breeder; that is gross. And icky.' "

Now, obviously, I'm attempting to be half-way funny (maybe I'm weird, but I can't read, write, or hear the word "icky" without smirking at the very least), but I'm also serious. How weird would it be if the Bible condemned heterosexuality instead of homosexuality?

Just something to think about.

P.S. Here's something else to think about. The Teen NIV is "hip" because it features lots of . . . mini-sermons interspersed throughout (and it's got a cartoon mascot, but he's too scary to talk about). The one at the bottom of the page Leviticus 18:22 is on talks about how "alternative lifestyles" are "wrong". Basically, it just cites 18:22 and a few other verses from Leviticus, including the one warning against incest and the one warning against bestiality. 'Cos, you know, gay guys are all known for fucking their boyfriends, brothers, and dogs; lesbians are all known for fucking their girlfriends, aunts, and kittycats. And that's why same-sex marriage is still illegal in most of the world, 'cos if it was legalised it would only be another five seconds before it was also made legal to marry horses.
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[17 Apr 2006|12:30am]

Hi everyone.
I've got interesting facts to share.

It came to my attention yesterday while watching a special on Jesus, that at the time of the messiah's crucifiction, it is said [in the Bible, of course] that a soldier gave Jesus a bowl of vinegar while he was nailed to the cross. While the special didn't mention why exactly the soldier would have done so, they've found that at that time, medicine [anestetia specifically] was mixed with vinegar and then given to the suffering.
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<33 One of the Mods
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[16 Apr 2006|05:09pm]

Genesis Chapter ThreeCollapse )

Q&ACollapse )
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It's MC Easter time. [16 Apr 2006|04:19pm]

Happy Easter everyone!

What a joyous religious holiday it is, isn't it??
Today is the day that the apostles stole Jesus's corpse out of his tomb to fake a resurrection- I mean..

This is the day he was resurrected!

Which totally explains the Easter egg thing, right?

Wrong-o. The whole Easter bunny and eggs thing is an entirely Pagan ritual.

The Easter bunny or the 'Easter Hare' as he is more formally known, is quite simply a symbol of fertility. Let's face it. He's a rabbit. What do rabbits do best? Reproduce and make way too many little baby Easter bunnies. Observe for a moment what time of year Easter takes place. Spring time. Which is when practically every living creature goes into heat.
It's actually speculated that the death and resurrection of Jesus did in fact NOT take place when Easter does, but seeing as the Pagan's were already celebrating a fertility holiday, the church thought it'd be a marvelous idea to say "Woah! Did you know that you Pagan's have actually been celebrating the re-birth of Jesus all along?"
And the Pagan's were all like "Um, no, dudes, we're totally like...celebrating baby making and stuff. Who the fuck is Jesus?"

But that didn't go so well with the Christians, and since they sort of..ya know...ruled everything at the time, Easter eventually morphed both the Pagan fertility rituals of the time and the resurrection of Jesus into one tasty chocolate crucifix and a crown of strawberry flavored thorns.
So Happy sex and Jesus re-birth day, my friends!

If anyone has Easter pictures they want to post, put 'em under a cut. We'd love to see them. Leslie and I have a few to be posted later when we have a camera cord available.

-The Dani
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[15 Apr 2006|08:32pm]

Genesis Chapter TwoCollapse )

Q&ACollapse )
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[15 Apr 2006|04:32pm]

Genesis Chapter OneCollapse )

Q&ACollapse )
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