hot_soup_sex (hot_soup_sex) wrote in bible_rewritten,
hot_soup_sex
hot_soup_sex
bible_rewritten


Genesis 1:1 - In the beginning, God was around, yo. No idea how, but he be diggin'. Particularly, He be diggin' the Earth, as in, He wanted to make it.

Genesis 1:2 - So when he started the whole Earth dealio, it was pretty plain and dark, and He no likie. So He moved freely like a ghost, except spookier and without shape, volume, or anything else really. Just a thought process with wings. A divine thought process with wings. And a halo. TO BE FEARED!

Genesis 1:3 - He pretty much commanded light into being with the crack of a whip. How rude, huh? So now it's a little less dark on this little Earth dealio. Props. Props to God.

Genesis 1:4 - Satisfied with Himself in commanding light into being, ever so rudely, He used a division sign [this is why a SLASH is used, faggots] to keep darkness and light from arguing about who was cooler. This is basically just an annoying line without proper grammar and sets the stage for the next silly line.

Genesis 1:5 - Funny how God labeled the light Day, and the darkness Night. Labeler. [Wouldn't it have made sense to put the Ds together? What a strange being with wings.] Basically, the first day is over, and he doesn't get to rest yet. He really hasn't done jackshit thus far.

Genesis 1:6 - Something unclear about dividing waters.

Genesis 1:7 - Something even more unclear about dividing waters. Wtf? Firmaments too.

Genesis 1:8 - Somehow relating to Genesis 1:6 and 1:7. Placing the firmament IN THE MIDDLE of waters below and above. Somehow water is used to describe EVERYTHING, yet the actual creation of water is not clarified at all. Ever. Evening + Morning = Second day. In that order, foolz. So basically after the second day, light and dark are seperated and Heaven is set.

Genesis 1:9 - From beneath some water, He brings up some land. So, this basically fails to mention the creation of any planet other than Earth, but He's God, so don't doubt it, chidlins.

Genesis 1:10 - With improper grammar, he names the land Earth and the water [just around this land] the Seas.

Genesis 1:11 - Vegetation and plant life are commanded to be born. They are also given the ability to reproduce.

Genesis 1:12 - They reproduce. God nods in satisfaction at this.

Genesis 1:13 -Third day, done.

Genesis 1:14 - So now He puts light in Heaven and divides days, years, and seasons. Hurrah.

Genesis 1:15 - He sets the stage for a light source to be created with a monologue.

Genesis 1:16 - Up until now, there was no sun, moon, or stars, but there was plantlife reproducing, before the sun was created. How so? Don't ask questions or you'll end up like Job, whom we have not mentioned yet. So anywho, in sixteen, He makes the sun, the Earth dealio's moon, and the stars. [There is nothing about any other moons though. Or the fact that the Sun is a star.]

Genesis 1:17 - Basically, He's saying that the stars, the sun, and the rest of the universe are loosely based in Heaven.

Genesis 1:18 - God sits in His recliner and gives the duty of day and night to the Sun, and looks at it and says "Woahmgz. I am so cool. Check out what all my glory hath done." In those exact words.

Genesis 1:19 - So ends day four.

Genesis 1:20 - Basically He talks about making birdies and fishies.

Genesis 1:21 - He shuts His trap and gets to work on those birdies and fishies. He nods in approval.

Genesis 1:22 - He tells them to make babies. Tasty babies.

Genesis 1:23 - So ends the fifth day.

Genesis 1:24 - God mutters a simple statement that is later featured in a classical movie. "Lions, and tigers, and bears, oh my."

Genesis 1:25 - He fills the earth with crazy animals, not including humans of course. Shhh. We're getting there!

Genesis 1:26 - This debuts schizophrenia where God refers to Himself as "us" and "our". [Maybe there was a Mrs. God up there too. No wonder He slept inbetween days. She must of been a looker.] And so He, or, er, "them", being God and possibly Mrs. God, said that man was going to be dominant and cool, what with his penis, and ribs, and all over all the creepy things that creepeth all over the Earth dealio.

Genesis 1:27 - He them they make the. Translation: First he makes the human with the long sticks, and then he makes the human with the bowls. Further translation: Man, then woman out of man. Gawd. You effing retard.

Genesis 1:28 - He commands that they fuck. Fuck hard. But to also rule the world. While fucking. Oh, and to fuck hard enough to make babies to rule the world later. kthnxbai.

Genesis 1:29 - Eat the plants. Nothing else, bitchez. Youz be vegetarians, foo. As for everything else on the Earth, rule it, but I rule you. And therefore rule it. Touch = Death. So hands off the animals.

Genesis 1:30 - Animals, don't you dare eat each other. Eat the plants. Kapeesh? You creepy creepethers that creep around... creepily. [Cut it out, you're going to scare me into non-existence..]

Genesis 1:31 - Job well done. So ends the sixth day. He drinks lemonade on the patio. The.. nonexistant patio of course. Later to be known as a throne in Heaven. But don't get ahead of yourselves, kiddiez.

Genesis Chapter One Equals Fin

Commonly Asked Questions and Their "Answers"


Q: Who wrote the first book of the Bible - Genesis, considering this is a part of the Old Testament?

A: Moses presents it. He may or may not have written it. It could have been handed down through his family as a sign of maturity. [Woahmgz. He was so hot too.] Basically, we think that from Adam, Noah, Shem and others, each wrote a part of the book due to his own account of his life. Moses later is given credit for putting the book [Genesis] together under the guidance of the HolyCrap! Spirit.


Q: What is the order of Creation events?

A: Day One - Limp noodle Earth dealio. Uncomprehensible light source. Not the sun. Day and Night seperated. Earth possibly pushed into rotation by the large finger of God. Even though there is nothing to rotate around due to the lack of the Sun.
Day Two - Earth's atmosphere. Levels of water seperated. Precipitation.
Day Three - Land. Oceans. Rivers and etc. Plants.
Day Four - The Sun. The Moon. The Stars. Other galactic shit.
Day Five - Fishies and Birdies.
Day Six - Animals. Man. Woman.


Q: What the hell is the "Gap Theory"?

A: Quickly summed up, the "Gap Theory" presents the idea that there is a large amount of time between Genesis 1:1 and Genesis 1:2. This was created due to the whole dinosaur thing/paleolithic era.


Q: Should Genesis be taken literally?

A: Yes. Well, no. But yes and no. You have to think about the TONE and who wrote it to decide this about any book of the Bible. The use of poetry and parables make it so easy.


Q: Why didn't that answer my question?

A: Because ... suck it.


Q: Does the Hebrew text really refer to 24-hour periods in the Creation week?

A: Mayhaps.Geology tends to not think so. But God made geology so FUCK geology.


Q: That again didn't answer my question. Are you guys educated in this?

A: Definitely not, but shut your trap or you'll never read anything again because we'll stab your eyes out. Bitch.


Q: How did plants exist before the Sun?

A: Look. You're mortal. God is not. Therefore, your tiny brain isn't going to wrap around as to how or why that happened. Don't even try. You'll get a tumor. You might as well just kill yourself or something.


Q: How was the Earth in orbit before the Sun and the rest of the Universe was created?

A: Maybe God smacked it after the Sun was created. Maybe it orbited God's finger, which the Sun now sits on. Maybe you should shut the hell up. Refer to the answer of the previous question if you're still lost.


Q: What "kinds" of animals were created on the sixth day?

A: The creepy kind that creepeth. Haven't you been listening?


Q: How do dinosaurs fit into the Bible?

A: Dinosaurs are far too large and massive to fit inside a book, you silly goose. Why would you think you could do that? Not even GOD could do that. That's why he never created them, right?


Q: What is meant by the "us" and "our" in Genesis 1:26?

A: The Trinity.


Q: Is the Bible clear about the age of the Earth and the Universe?

A: *cough* No.
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
  • 5 comments
"Q: How did plants exist before the Sun?

A: Look. You're mortal. God is not. Therefore, your tiny brain isn't going to wrap around as to how or why that happened. Don't even try. You'll get a tumor. You might as well just kill yourself or something."

Oh my God, that's brilliant!
Cha it is.
Props to Dani for every part of that answer except one sentence.
I have a joke.
It pertains to Genesis 1:27.
It might sound lame, because I suck at passing on jokes.

So, one day, God comes down to Adam. He asks Adam if he would like a companion to live with in his future.
Adam replies with a yes, and asks how this could happen.
God then said that to make the perfect companion, he must give up an arm, half a brain, a leg, an eye, and a kidney.
After a few days of thinking, Adam talked to God.
He asked Him what he could get for a rib.
Haha. That's good.
Thank you.