hot_soup_sex (hot_soup_sex) wrote in bible_rewritten,
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hot_soup_sex
bible_rewritten



6:1: So all the men were multiplying...

6:2: ...and checking out the ladies. Who may or may not have actually been transvestites. But they took them anyway.

6:3: God to Man: I am dying. Live long and prosper. [Well, 120 years MAX.]

6:4: GARGAMETH THE GIANT RETURNS! This is the ancestor of the Michael Jordan family.

6:5: God to Man: I.. love your dark side. Here's a severed limb. Hang it above the fireplace and think of me at night, beneath the stars.
Mrs. God to God: *evil stare*
God's mattress to God: Liarrrr, cheaterrrr, herpes! herpes! herpes! herpes! She was good [in bed] to you.
God: Awwww, mayn.
God to Man: I mean, cut it out ya'll.

6:6: God to Man: Your meanieness makes me sad insawd. *frowny face*
Which looks like this.

6:7: God to Everyone and Everything Else: Due to my immense sadness, I'm going to demolish EVERYTHING. Mwah ha ha. I haven't been this happy since I got that puppy, and then killed it.

6:8: "But Noah found gracie in the eyes of the LORD." [And spanked her due to her sexyness!]

6:9: Noah & God are tyght [like virgins].

6:10 ..Shem, Ham, and Brat #3.

6:11: But killing the people wasn't enough for God, you see, all of the Earth, down to the smallest grain of salt, was fornicating in front of him, or doing something bad of some sort.

6:12: Refer to 6:11, in slightly different words.

6:13: God to Noah: Yer all gonna dieeeee. Ahhahahahahhaha. The Earth is going to swallow itself whole.

6:14: God to Noah: Make a boat.
Noah to God: Out of what?
God to Noah: The morning erection of every Gopher.
Noah to God: Shall I pitch it?
God to Noah: Yeg.
Noah to God: With what?
God to Noah: Why, with pitch of course!
Noah to God: Neg.

6:15: God to Noah: You might want to find some monster Gophers, because this is going to be one BITCHIN' ark. I'm talkin' HUGE.

6:16: *architectural plans*

6:17: God to Everything [But Noah] : I WILL KEEL YOUUUU ALL! *high pitched alalalalalalalala!s*

6:18: God to Noah: Except you, Noah. 'Cause I loveee youu. I wish I knew how to quit you. Your poisonnnnn, running through my veins, your poisonnn. I don't want to break these chains. I want to hurt you just to hear you screamin' my name. I need you. -breathes onto Noah's neck-
Noah to God: Um. Creepy. I'm gonna.. ya know.. get in my ark now.. *backs away*

6:19: One lesbian & one gay of every species. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha. Tahhahaha. Heeehee.. Hoohoo.. heehehehe... haha.. sniffle..oh crap..oh..oh crap.. um.. hah..heh...hoo.. okay..I'm done.. *breathes*

6:20: *deeper breath*

6:21: Behold! Feast! But not on the animals. [Not even the Roast Beast. BACK OFF GRINCH! THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS PARTY!]

6:22: Noah to God: Aight foo'. See ya on the other side.
God to Noah: ET phone home.
Noah to God: Ya'll so whack!
God to Noah: POUND IT!
*Noah is crushed & dies*
[Just kidding. Stay tuned next chapter to see what happens to Noah.]

Questions You May Have & Our Cracked Up Answers

Q: Were the giants in verse 4, extraterrestrials?

A: No, they were just tall, and never mentioned prior to these verses.

Q: Does the Bible claim that Noah's flood covered the entire Earth or just a local region?

A: The entire Earth. Though it seems highly illogical, but hey, whatevskerz.

Q: Will you have SiXXX with me?

A: No. My bible rewriting skillz are much to high and mighty for a commoner like yourself.
PEASANT!
[Go sleep with Mary Magdeline.]
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