Bean (angelinthenite) wrote in bible_rewritten,
Bean
angelinthenite
bible_rewritten



Genesisita Chapter Cinco [De Mayo?]

5:1: Ya'll listen up, here's a story. About a little man named Adam in a green world, and all day and all night and everything he did was just green, like Eden, inside and outside. Green the trees, with the cute little chipmunks, and his green leaf underwear, and everything is green for him, and himself, and every BODY around, cause he ain't got, nobody, but Eveee, but Eveeee, but Eveeee, and God.
[And he don't count.]
[Cause he's not green. He's blue. Dabba Dee Dabba Dye. He's in need of a guy, and he LOVES french fries, dabba dee dabba dye, and he wants some apple pie, dabba dee dabba dye. ...whoa. STOP!]
[Hammer time, niggas.]

5:2: For those of you just tuning in, we've got this God thing, and he like, made man and woman. And called them Adam, and stuff[ed them like thanksgiving turkeys].

5:3: Cloning is bad. Live for a hundred & thirty years and make babies. Adam did, and named him they the Seth. He also had other children, but they were girls so he beat them. (Haha. That was just a joke. We just said it cause it was funny. =])

5:4: So after he made Seth, he lived another eight hundred years, and continued to sculpt babies with playdoh.

5:5: God can add. Congrats. And he wants his christians to be able to add, so he puts mathamatical riddles in the bible for us. But you know, we can't add. So a verse or two later, he gives us the answers anyway. Adam lived to be 930 years, before he shot himself. [That was just a joke again. They didn't have guns, silly. Everybody knows they only gave rifles to women back then.]

5:6: Seth has an HP of 105 when his son Enos is BEGOT.

5:7: HP increase! +107 post Enos era. Add 1 to skill bank!

5:8: Low Health. Low Health. HP reaches full potential and plummets after run in with dragon. Repair weaponry. Repair weaponry.

Death at age 912 for Seth.

5:9: Enos has an HP of 90 when his son Cannon is BEGOT.

5:10: HP increase! +815 post Cannon era. Enos be-gatten it on! Nameless babies. [Like in Peru.]

5:11: Low Health. Low Health. HP reaches full potential and plummets after run in with witch of Arganoth. Repair weaponry. Repair weaponry.

Death at age 905 for Enos.

5:12: Cannon has an HP of 70 when his son Malakjlfdjalskjdfasdjflk is BEGOT.

5:13: HP increase! +rabblerabblerabblereligiousnonsenserabblerabblerabblefamilytree.

5:14: DEATH OKAY!? EVERYONE DIES! LIES! Just Cannon, after being 112. I mean.. 912. JESUS CHRIST! Why do all these people live so fucking long?
Jesus Christ: I'm not born yet, stop asking me questions. [I only live to be thirty some. So shoosh.]

5:15: Malkajsldkfjasfd --[+65]--> Jared

5:16: HP +830. +more flea farm Peruvians. :]

5:17: Low Health. Low Health. HP reaches full potential and plummets after run in with Gargameth the Giant. Repair weaponry. Repair weaponry.

Death at age 895 for Malksjfl532kajsdfj;sf.

5:18: Jared --[+62]--> Enoch, but a different Enoch from before.

5:19: - 5:28: Bullshit about births and deaths, and years, and God. [If you're so interested read the fucking bible.]

5:29: Lamech begot Noah. Plot point! Foreshadowing with Lamech's soliloquoy.

5:30: Lamech lives.

5:31: Lamech dies.

5:32: Noah has babies Shem, Ham, and.. the baby with a name that does not ..rhyme? [Er, well, end in M. SHUP!]

Q & A

Q: Dude, this chapter is the same as the last one, isn't it?

A: No see, Adam's first family fucks up the Earth, so he figured he'd try again once they had died, and he was so old his loins probably hated him.

Q: Yeah, how did he get it up after he was a couple hundred years old?

A: While Prozac was not invented, there's this thing we call.. "Christian Viagra". More commonly known as.."crack" or "heroin". =] try it some time. Much better than Viagra.

Q: Why's it been so long since you've updated this community?

A: Why's it been so long since you've showered?

Q2: Why do you ask?

A2: Why don't you shower?

Q3: Self concious.

A3: Same. =] [Lazy. Working. Sleeping. Eating. A lot of Taco Hut. Unable to get online. The usual.]

Q4: Sweet.

...end.
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
  • 4 comments