Bean (angelinthenite) wrote in bible_rewritten,
Bean
angelinthenite
bible_rewritten

Genesis 4

Chapter Four, Foolz 

Genesis 4:1 -
So Eve's all: It's rainin' men! Hallelujah! because she's all knocked up now with something bare named Cain. 
From GAWD_AL_MyT [@gmail.com] 

Genesis 4:2 - Okay, dude, since ONE LINE AGO, Eve got knocked up again. And had a baby, AND HE'S ALREADY A SHEEP KEEPER WITH A VERY POSITIVE NAME LIKE ABLE. As in YOU CAN DO IT! YOU ARE ABLE! ..and such things as that. Cain's already workin' with dirty hoes. 

Genesis 4:3 - Cain presents the LORD with the fruit [OF HIS LOINS!

Genesis 4:4 - God picked favorites with ABLE and Cain.. ABLE and his sheep win. YAHTZEE! 

Genesis 4:5 - GOD REJECTED CAIN'S LOIN FRUIT! [SUCKA] For some reason, no one rejects pastoral lives, even though God seems to reject it here. [He just wanted blood man. God's a vicious fiend! With a blood fixation.. and.. fetish.. and FANGS.. and three arms.. and razor sharp claws.. and his halo to be feared.. and his cute button nose with pieces of thread throughout! And a baby rattle.. for when he's sad and feels like creating thunder.] 

Genesis 4:6 - God: Coma WHAT? What the fuck! Why are you depressed? I'm not allowed to invent Prozac for another million or so years. 

Genesis 4:7 - God to Cain: ...your desire is in a heap near the door, go find it. No, but seriously, you're about to fuck up really bad, so howboutcha don't? Kay? 

Genesis 4:8 - *fucks up anyway* 
ABLE: Look at all the pretty flowers. 
Cain: Kay. 
ABLE: No, seriously, how do you think they got here? 
Cain: God? 
ABLE: No, that can't be right. ..OH MY GOD! 
Cain: What? 
ABLE: It is right. 
Cain: Told you so. *anger* 
ABLE: Did not. 
Cain: DID TOO! 
ABLE: So what do you think the weather will be- 
Cain: D00D, shut up, just shut up, just SHUT. UP. 

*SLEWITHED!* 

Genesis 4:9 - Cain's a dirty liar. God asks where ABLE is, after Cain CLEARLY just killed him and then dragged his body elsewhere.. and to the river, to throw in.. and watch float. Cain gets all defensive and is all "WOAH! WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE HE IS ALL THE TIME?!? GAWD! WE'RE NOT LOVERS. HE HAS TO WATCH SHEEP! YOU DON'T THINK HE CAN WATCH HIMSELF TOO!? PFFT. 

Genesis 4:10 - GOD to Cain: ..d00d, you only dragged his body like.. five feet away, you totally did it. I CAN SEE HIM FROM HERE, MAN! 
*Cain pulls out his How To Hide Dead Bodies For Dummies: Volume I* 

Genesis 4:11 -
Some creepy shit like the earth opens up for his brother's body or something. Shoulda been there, it was sweet. 

Genesis 4:12 - God to Cain: Um. Way to go. Now that you killed your brother, the Earth no like you anymore. She says you're a bitch. Sorry, but I don't control EVERYTHING. Mother Earth controls some, and .. ya know.. WOMEN. Rah? She's a hell in bed. I think I'll name her Mrs. God soon enough. ♥ [Yeah, he's GOD, he can speak in symbols.] [But he can't hold an erection. *rabblerabblerabble*] 

Genesis 4:13 - Cain's a whiney bitch. ..I really don't like him anymore. 
Cain: SHITFUCKDAMNCUNTSLUTALLINONEWORD! D00DTHISSUX. 

Genesis 4:14 - Cain: I should die a thousand deaths. Three times over. Thank you for this opportunity, oh GOD, my GOD, and master.. and PIMP. *mumbles "stupid cock sucking whore" under his breath* God: I hear all. Cain: SHOVE IT. *..shuffles away* 

Genesis 4:15 - God pretty much declares it illegal to follow in Cain's footsteps. [If they are to follow, they shall wear the HAT OF DOOM.

Genesis 4:16 - So, Cain sucks it. Long and hard. And leaves.. 

Genesis 4:17 - So, Cain randomly gets a wife, and damn! Shebeknoxedup. And she then bearith un chico. Named Enoch. Who was.. to say the least, of a different species. We say he's a modern-day mexican. We don't know who the wife was, but we can only speculate that this is her. Oh. And that she was clearly "knowing it" with the landscaper of Eden. Also, this is the first verse where we see the bible TRUELY contradict itself. [As in, the first since the other first verses.. yeah.. and stuff!] 

Genesis 4:18 - Enoch --> Irad --> MeHOOOOOL --> MethUSUAL --> LaMECKKKKK --> 00====D [penis] = incest. WOAHMGZ. 

Genesis 4:19 - Here's where polygamy picks up. LaMECKKKKK has two wives. A-DUH and Zill-UH. This is speculated to be the first sighting of ebonics. [The Bible fails to mention here that there is anything wrong with him having two wives..] 

Gensis 4:20 - A-DUH --> JaBELL [he raised cattle and tents..] 

Genesis 4:21 - A-DUH --> JaBALL [twins?] He fiddled with his organ a lot. 

Genesis 4:22 - Zill-UH --> Tube-AL-Cain y Naa-MAH [nigga?] Dude. When is the bible going to shut up? These people better be fucking relevant. [Haha. If not, they're fucking relatives. DO DO CH.] 

Genesis 4:23 - La-MECKKKKK to his bitchez: OH SHEET! OH SHEET! THE PO-PO ARE COMING! LISTEN! LISTEN! NO LISTEN, BITCHES! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN. STOP THAT BOY PLAYING WITH HIS ORGAN AND GET THAT LITTLE.. TENT RAISER IN HERE! ALRIGHT, SO I MAY HAVE POSSIBLY KINDA SORTA KILLED.. OR SOMETHING OF THE SORT.. LIKE TWO PEOPLE! MAYBE! IT'S IFFY... 

Genesis 4:24 - Right, so Cain didn't teach about God, but rather taught his sons about instruments and cattle and tents and shit, and well, it turns out, LaMECKKKKK ends up being a bad person. Some versions of the Bible say that LaMECKKKKK's taking of two wives was wrong.. and such.. 

Genesis 4:25 - Dude. Adam's still alive? HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDE! That's.. eight generations, and Eve is still fertile [Dude, menopause! WHY DIDN'T IT HAPPEN THEN!?] That means like.. his great great great great grandchildren will be older than his son... what the fuck IS THIS?! THE SIXTIES?! Le anyhoodle: back to the Bible thing. Adam + Eve = Still Hittin' It. [Seth is its name.] 

Genesis 4:26 - Seth --> E-Nose God's back in the picture now. 

Frequently Asked Questions and Their Somewhat Answers 

Q: Dude, where did Cain get his wife? 

A: *cough* ...*sparrow chirps in the background* How's about that molasses candy? Mmmmm.. right? 


Q: So, what was Adam up to while everyone else was having kids? 

A: Nothing?!?!?! TRA LA LA?!?! 


Q. What the hell is happening in this chapter? 

A: So basically it talks about the family tree.. the really FUCKED UP family tree, with apparently really important people missing.. and too many.. NOT.. important people.. guest starring. 


Q: Does God really use email? 

A: Of course, who the fuck doesn't? 


Q: ...Can I have his email address then? 

A: SURE! GAWDALMyT@gmail.com. Email him, seriously. With any random question, any random statement, ANYTHING! Prayers. Whatever you feel like.
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